He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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