What did we do last night that was yellow?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
