Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When are your genitals available?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize