There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
