so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
