you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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