plz talk dirty to me
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
