weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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