there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize