I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
