My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize