hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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