apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
