the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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