if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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