I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
