Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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