Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
