Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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