I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
