If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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