I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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