The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
