i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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