Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
