my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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