And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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