we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
