dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
