just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
