3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize