Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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