The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Couch. On fire.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
