Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize