I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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