I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
