Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
