Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
