I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
