tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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