I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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