i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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