I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
