I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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