And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
