forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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