I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
