Betty ford says i'm here all night
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
