Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
