apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
