Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
