My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
