had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
