I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
