she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
