im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
